What do you release? What seeds will you grow?

Now, in this small morning, in the thunder and the rain, I wish these words to alight upon your heart and mind with the gentility of sparrow’s feet.

Yesterday morning, I saw a wild fox, his breakfast of dead squirrel dangling from his mouth. He ran alongside the city bus I took past lake Calhoun to work.

I felt so enlivened by this animal medicine. http://www.spiritanimal.info/fox-spirit-animal/
 

It’s raining so hard outside. Cleansing. That is what I love most about spring. The cleansing of the rain. The gift of distance we’re given, from inside our shelters, to reflect on what we’re growing. What we’re releasing. How those come together and nourish one another.

What daydreamers we are. Our desire to remain moving, to keep ourselves busy, sometimes keeps us from inhabiting where we are, right now.

I’ve been focusing on my fifth chakra as of late, the speaking of my truth. The throat chakra. And it’s funny, my lessons come up predictably and are challenging, and yet far less dramatic than I ever thought they’d be. It’s this gentle releasing, this letting go, rather than an aggressive forging ahead. It’s not so much trying hard as it is opening up.

In this way I’ve come to see that my journey as a healer is here right now. Every day I go to work and interact with so many people, and I am trying to bring an open heart of service to each day. To love them entirely and unconditionally. Did you under-tip me? Sit down unannounced at the dirty table? Ask me the same question three times? Act condescending? I still love you. I love you I love you I love you. My simple mantra. And oh yes I slip! I certainly do. Instead of slapping my own hand, I’m working to gentle return my attention and intention to that of love.

Sometimes it feels like a child, being so open. I couldn’t have before I built a place of safety and refuge for myself. Yet for the first time I’ve really fearlessly entered the thicket of my own emotion. I am sometimes randomly struck by absolute anger, simply because I’ve allowed it in my life now, whereas for so long it was banished and locked up somewhere inside of me. In the expression of these emotions, I am clumsy, I am like a newborn, simply feeling them without much filter. I am allowing fear to come up. I am taking a breath, then, an resisting the knee-jerk urge to try to expel them like demons, to stuff them into the furthest corners of myself. I see that in their own way, these expressions need to be loved, and can be released by love and understanding.

The other day, I felt a light veil of romanticized melancholia drape over me. Descended from seemingly Nowhere In Particular. The sun was shining, I was outside with my love, my partner. Why did it come? Perhaps in the past I would’ve clung to this, analyzed it, would have suckled the sadness until a distance had grown.

Word-shaped fears trickled in. About this and about that. Fears that shape-shifted like the clouds above us. Morphing from one into the next, a lopsided fluff of anxiety and apprehension. In this episode of Choose Your Own Adventure, I was brought to this crossroads. Do I:
a) RUIN THE MOMENT, this beautiful moment where we are outside, by spewing fears at my poor, unsuspecting partner? He’s done nothing to deserve that. No, no. Better to stuff down, better to marinate in my bubbling bone broth of resentments, fears, anxieties.
b) Talk about it and feel better, but dump it all over my poor, unsuspecting partner. Hand the swollen burden of my heavy heart over and skip off in the sunshine and breeze. Ahhh, feels better.

“Were those really your only options?” you might ask. No! The mind and my own fears would have liked me to think so. I used to keep myself wedged tightly in this fearful paradigm. I finally understand that I choose not only which option, but the options themselves.

This time, though, I didn’t have to choose either of those. I created a “c”.

c) Fumble for expression in this new, dimly lit territory. Trust my partner enough to know he can handle me and my fears. Allow connection to be forged through this vulnerability. Listen openly and compassionately to him when all my outdated censors think it’s time to shut down, to curl up into a prickly ball. Grow in love and understanding. Trust myself more and more. Trust him more and more.
I deserve to be loved, even when I’m fearful or sad.

I used to walk around like an abused puppy, afraid of doing anything wrong. “Is this Ok?” was my mantra for so long. I still struggle to release it. Needing approval from others. Needing to know you’re not angry with me, that I’m doing my job of making you happy. That I’m holding it all together. That if you’re happy, I’ve done everything right. I was always waiting for the axe to fall. Always skittish, terrified of confrontation, of totally open expression. If I just do everything right before you can even request it, we can avoid confrontation, right?

Today I plant the seeds of owning my power by releasing and cleansing the outdated desire to do everything right. To “make” you happy. To control all the wildly swirling variables to create one moment of a static equation. I embrace the flow.

I release the need to control; I embrace my strength and power.

In this beautiful cleansing rain, what do you release? What seeds will you grow?

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